This week A+ said she wanted to play a farming
game, so we went through this list of farming
games on Steam and she picked Stardew Valley. I
bought it for CAD 17 under her Steam account. She
got pretty good at finishing her homework before
playtime. After some fiddling around, we managed
to figure out how to play 3-person local co-op
using our old PS3
controllers.1
The first game we played used the basic farm
layout and shared money. I realized that sharing
all the money wasn't working out so well for me
about two game weeks in because I was always
reminding A+ to buy seeds before she splurged on
gifts, so we started a new playthrough with
separate money. A+ decided to pick the meadowlands
farm layout, which meant starting with some
chickens.
We now have a mayonnaise maker and four chickens.
It's summer and I have a variety of crops growing.
W- sometimes drops in to do some fishing or help
out around the farm. We probably won't make it to
the greenhouse bundle this year, but maybe next
year. She'd been looking forward to getting a
kitchen and trying out some of the recipes, so we
saved up for it and worked together to chop down
lots of trees.
Stardew Valley feels like a good rainy day
activity with A+. It's a cozy place to practise
making decisions and working together.
A+ can get competitive and envious, which can get
in the way of her having fun. Sometimes she gets
envious because I've been leveling up in farming
and she hasn't yet. When that happens, she becomes
more motivated to help out around the farm.
Sometimes it's harder for her to channel that
frustration into growth. At the trout derby, she
got grumpier and grumpier. First it was because W-
had caught a rainbow trout and she was only
catching trash. Then, when she caught a rainbow
trout, she was grumpy that W- had caught a rainbow
trout with a golden tag and she hadn't gotten one
with a tag. "I'm never going to catch anything,"
she grumbled, eventually spiraling into a lump on
the couch. To her credit, she kept trying for a
while instead of rage-quitting, so that's progress.
I chatted with her about it the next day, when she
was well-regulated. "It doesn't have to be a
competition, you know," I said.
"Of course it was a competition," she said
matter-of-factly. "It was the trout derby."
Apparently this competitiveness and sensitivity is
pretty common and totally not out of place for a
9-year-old, especially since she's an only child.
Common approaches include:
Stopping the game when whining starts, in the
hopes that eventually the kid will learn to
avoid whining: I'm not sure about this approach
with A+ because I think she might benefit from
some more help and support learning these
skills.
Team sports and a structured environment: This
doesn't quite feel like a good fit for us, but
I'm glad it works for other people.
Switching to more cooperative activities: I
couldn't redirect her from the trout derby
because the time-limited event was too
fascinating. We had to take the loss and try
again another time. This, too, is a fish on the
line; sometimes it escapes and there's nothing
to do but to accept it and fish again.
There's a lot we can learn together in the
process of working on day-to-day things. I can
put A+ in charge of most of the harvests, and
she's getting better at minding the mayonnaise.
I think A+ likes mining with me (I'm in charge
of fighting monsters), and we can probably also
chop some wood together. Maybe she'll enjoy
collecting the eggs and petting the chickens now
that there are more of them, especially since
one of them is called Hei-hei. Then we can fish
when we're in the mood for fishing, farm when
we're in the mood for farming, and so on.
Getting used to losses by playing lots of
games: Fishing is good for this. It's easy to
start trying again, and there are plenty of
little rewards along the way. Once we can cook,
we can use meals like chowder to boost her
skill.
I love it when games gently help me notice ways
I can grow as a person. I want to get better at
focusing on processes, not
outcomes.2 It's neat to see this in contrast.
At the moment, A+'s attention focuses a lot on
outcomes. She thinks about things like upgrading
to kitchen or getting to a certain level, but it's
harder for her to focus on the steps that will get
her there. I notice there's stuff for me to work
on, too. I struggle a little with trying to make
sure I have seed money if I let A+ take
care of harvesting and selling (somewhat alleviated now
that I've got chickens and corn), that I can get
everything watered before bedtime, that I've kept
some of the produce back for bundles or quests, or
that I'm making progress towards a silo before
winter. I can also practice focusing on
processes, not outcomes.
I know my job isn't to maximize the farm's profit.
Maybe my job for now is to water the farm so that
A+ can enjoy the harvest. Doesn't that sound like
some kind of parenting thing I can work on
learning in my bones… I know grown-ups are
better at delayed gratification than kids are. I'm
better at the grind. If she can enjoy a bit of the
harvest and figure out if she likes it, then we
can back up a little. Maybe she can water a small
part of the field, and then grow from there. Maybe
I can make her a little 1x1 patch with the
season's fastest-growing crop, and then expand
every time she gets it all the way to harvest.
Tiny habits, right?
Also thinking as a grown-up, I can stagger the
planting of 4-day crops like wheat so that there's
always something for her to harvest.
There are other little ways we can use game
mechanics to practise life skills. We can
occasionally check the traveling cart for quality
sprinklers, which will give us a reason to keep
track of the days and save some money for
opportunities. It would be great to practice this
with virtual money before she needs to deal with
real money.
I can also invite A+ to go mining and then use the
copper to upgrade the watering cans. It's a
multi-step process (copper ore, wood, coal, copper
bar, upgrade), so it makes sense that I can handle
that better than she can. She can focus on one
step at a time and slowly get the hang of how
everything comes together, just like when she was
learning how to solve the Rubik's cube. It's also
like the incremental independence she's growing
into in other parts of her life. My job is to
support her so that she can learn at the right
level: not too hard, not too easy.3 Someday, after
many many runs through this kind of process, she
might even get the hang of creating those
sequences for herself or finding people who can
help her. Small steps to lifelong learning.
And when I start to get fidgety about how we play,
like when she doesn't accept any of my invitations
to do something (chop wood? carry water?), I can
repeat: process, not outcome. It's okay for her
to stand around waiting for the shop to open while
I water the farm. She's excited, she's focused on
the very next step towards her goal, and that's
good for where she is. It's okay for things to
take a while. I want to keep the process fun. The
fun is the important part.
Also, there's this whole thing about taking time
to talk to people, remember what they like and
dislike (… or look that up in the notes), give
them gifts, celebrate their birthdays, and so on.
Right. There are even clear benefits for doing so.
Plenty of things to get better at. =)
Stardew Valley seems like it would be great for
practising these things. The general advice from
the community seems to be to take it easy and not
rush. Don't worry about making it to
certain milestones by certain times, just have fun
together. We've been playing for only a few days,
but I have a feeling there's much to learn over
the next few years.
I love strewing ideas in front of A+ in case
something catches her interest. A rich source of
in-jokes is the word
"antidisestablishmentarianism", which I introduced
to her when she was… what… maybe 3? 4? and
which she decided to master with her usual
determination. Sometimes, when she's in a "Mom!
Mom! Mom!" phase, I joke about changing my
preferred name so that she has to say
"Antidisestablishmentarianism!
Antidisestablishmentarianism!
Antidisestablishmentarianism!", which always gets
either a laugh or a groan.
One of A+'s friends is a 4-year-old. She was
playing the copying game with her, the one where a
kid repeats everything the other person says.
Whenever A+ wants to wind the game down, she
confidently rattles off
"antidisestablishmentarianism" and that's the end
of that.
I didn't want A+ to rest on her laurels, of
course. I introduced another word:
paradichlorodiphenyltrichloroethane. That piqued
A+'s curiosity, so I told her about DDT and I
shared the limerick I learned it from.
A mosquito was heard to complain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
The source of his sorrow
was paradichloro-
diphenyltrichloroethane.
A+ got the hang of the limerick within a few days.
Apparently, she's already shared it with her
teacher and her nature club counselors. I think
she's even been coaching the 4-year-old through
saying it syllable by syllable, so perhaps there
will be two of these word geeks someday.
Since A+ liked the rhythm of the limerick and she
also likes math, I looked up this other fun
limerick, which is attributed to Leigh Mercer:
A dozen, a gross, and a score
Plus three times the square root of four
Divided by seven
Plus five times eleven
Is nine squared and not a bit more.
Small words, but fun to play with too.
For our next steps, I want to get the hang of
saying
"pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis"
and "hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia"
(although sesquipedalophobia is the more common
term).
We also pun about whatever she's interested in. At
the moment, it's all red panda all the time,
thanks to her enjoyment of Turning Red. ("Which
animal loves books?" "A well-read panda!") We love
alliteration and rhyme. We change the lyrics to
her favourite songs. I had a hard time sitting
down and playing with A+ when she was smaller, but
now we've got so many words to play with. This is fun!
What's the use of these things? Mostly to tickle
our brains and make each other smile, but also
maybe the tiny chance of bumping into someone else
who happens to overhear it and who chuckles out of
recognition. There are people out there who like
to play the kind of way we like to play, and
she'll find her tribe someday.
[2025-05-29 Thu]: Updated links for Cyprine Odada and Rachel Wang.
W- has been volunteering for Bike Brigade for a
number of months now. A+ and I occasionally tag
along. It's encouraging to be part of this
initiative to deliver groceries and other
essentials to people who need help. One of the
organizers spoke at this panel discussion about
bicycles and social justice organized by York
University.
Session description
Bicycles hold immense potential for addressing today’s pressing social and climate justice challenges. However, coordinating and sustaining grassroots cycling movements remains difficult, especially as global development aid for climate action and broader humanitarian work rapidly declines. Indeed, we are living in a moment of profound global injustice, where imperialism, colonial violence, and systemic oppression dictate whose struggles and resistances are recognized. In this context, grassroots organizing and local self-determination have become more pressing than ever. This webinar explores how bicycling serves as a tool for justice, sustainability, and collective resistance. Indeed, we see bicycling/mobility justice in responding to uncertain global contexts, including a rise in right-wing fascist governments, climate change and its unequal effects on vulnerable communities, and an escalation on anti-immigrant policies and sentiments. Those most affected – racialized, Indigenous, low-income, and gender-diverse communities – are leading powerful mobility justice movements. They are reclaiming space, resisting exclusion, and challenging systemic inequalities through cycling activism. Speakers will share insights from different regions, highlighting how bicycles are more than transportation – they are a means of survival, self-determination, and community care. This conversation will thus bring together activists, researchers, and practitioners striving to make transportation more accessible and equitable.
Panelists:
Dr. Deepti Adlakha (Associate Professor, Delft University of Technology)
Sabat Ismail (urban planner, multi-disciplinary artist, and writer)
Cyprine Odada (urban planner, cycling advocate, Founder of Women Shaping Cities)
Rachel Wang (Founding Executive Director, The Bike Brigade – Toronto; environmental practitioner and community organizer)
I like that so many people are thinking about this
from different perspectives around the world: from
the ground up with the experiences of people who
are out there, to groups like Critical Mass
Nairobi and Bike Brigade where people can work
together to make things better, to academics and
urban planners who can think about how systems are
designed.
We probably lean more towards the very small scale
end of things, for now: whatever little deliveries
we can squeeze into our schedule. A+ is
particularly proud of putting things in her own
basket and also hauling a full bag of groceries
once we get to the recipient's building. Who
knows, maybe we'll find ourselves moving along
that pipeline from volunteer grocery deliveries to
community organizing…
Anyway, I don't know if a recording will get
posted, but if I come across one, I'll update
this.
I started helping Bike Brigade with their e-mail newsletter. I read through their Slack history and a couple of years of newsletters to build up a library of newsletter blocks. I made a collage of the Jane's Walk photos. I didn't get around to editing the photos and posting them on Facebook. Maybe next week. We also did some more deliveries.
We biked to the Stockyards so that we could buy clover seeds, flower seeds, plants, and other gardening supplies from Canadian Tire and Rona. A+ also took the opportunity to have har gow and some quick playtime at the arcade. I moved the strawberries into pots. I potted the dahlias (including the new ones) and scattered many of the flower seeds we bought. I also pruned the mini roses.
We attended an IPRC meeting to confirm A+'s exceptionality.
We went to the dentist. So far so good.
A+ improved the organization of the bathroom by putting away less-used things.
I dropped my phone and damaged the screen protector. Fortunately, the screen was fine. I found the other screen protector and applied it.
“The truth is I still put a lot of pride into being Very Good At Ruby. I
cling to that pride, sometimes. I want to show that I've “still got it”.
In a life drowned in caregiving and homemaking and survival, I often
feel like I'm vanishing. Like I have so much still to offer, if
only—and then there is screaming from another room, and I must defuse
a meltdown, or mediate an argument, or make a belated dinner, or chase
down a meds prescription, or or or…”
This is something I remember struggling with. I
think I've come to terms with it now, mostly by
giving up the idea of being good at stuff. I've
been making peace with the fact that I make
silly errors, and that's okay. I've come to
realize that it's not even entirely due to the
distraction and time constraints of parenting,
and that I like how I'm growing even if it feels
less certain.
‘This morning, as I wrote my morning pages, I felt a little fearful. All
my life I've yearned to be creative. I frequently think, “If I only had
more time, I'd…” All those things I've said I wished I had more time
to do — write, draw, learn French, exercise, meditate — now it's
time to see if I really do want to do them. What if time was just an
excuse? I guess that would be okay. I'd learn what really does matter to
me. Maybe it turns out I like the idea of being creative more than I
actually am creative. Maybe what I really love is long walks and sitting
in the garden reading books.'
This feels like a related thought. I'm glad I
did my experiment with semi-retirement. That
period of having plenty of time autonomy showed
me that I tend to be more of a slacker than a
hustler, and that's also okay.
